Live and Learn, Any Day Given

Crazy Asian

I usually don’t watch Asian movies except when my god sisters bring me along when they watch HK movies and even then I don’t really get it because it’s all in Cantonese. So when Crazy Rich Asians came out I was super excited mainly because it was filmed in Malaysia & Singapore and it featured places that I am familiar with.

But this isn’t a review. No no no. Many have said that it doesn’t represent the wider Asian race since it solely focused on the Chineses while the darker-skinned Asians only served as helpers. And that not all Chinese people are rich.

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If you ask any Malaysian official, any Malaysian government – the past or the present – ALL Chinese people are damn rich. That is why the Malaysian government can play Robin Hood. That is why institutional racism is the backbone of Malaysia – because not only do the Chineses have big money but apparently also big hearts. So here I’m going to let you in on a secret.

Instead of having family trees like all other races do, the Chinese have money trees. It comes with every Chinese family. With every newborn, we get a money tree sapling that we must plant in a pot in the home so outside people cannot see.  That’s why you see Chinese from before and now – last time Chinese families got like 25 kids, now maximum only 2. Why? Because already got enough money trees. And instead of harvesting papayas or bananas or rambutans, we harvest money. And some days when we’re in a hurry and don’t have time to harvest, we just pluck a few hundreds first. The best blooms would, duh, be during CNY when we need to stuff the red packets so the trees know then to sprout a variety of notes because not all relatives are treated equal – just like Malaysian citizens.

And how does the Chinese survive with the blatantly biased and racist government policies? Divine intervention. What we do is, when we need help, we clap our hands 8 times and turn around 8 times at the divine hour of 8.08 a.m. on the 8th day of each lunar month. Because Chinese, so must be 88888888 all the way and must be a.m. because p.m. the deities got babi eating, alcohol drinking and mahjong playing sessions. So once we’ve done the ritual, a deity would materialise in front of our eyes, standing tall on a fluff of cloud; not dissimilar to a hologram. Some deities new to the job would be like, “your late grandfather was born in Malaysia, so that makes your 3rd generation Malaysian. How come you still need our help when your first generation, Indonesian-born ex-DPM is getting all the perks and privileges?”. And I’d be like “I dunno. Maybe because I pray to you kot”.

Now you know the secret. It’s not because Chinese are hardworking and stingy and save money and don’t anyhow splurge all you know. That is a myth it is MKUltra Hello Kitty Monopoly programming to lie to you all.

Anyway I love that movie although I do think Henry Golding appeared to me looking more like Nick Young’s butler than the billionaire heir. My favourites from the movie has got to be Astrid (played by Gemma Chan), Awkwafina and her hilarious family, and dun dun dun, Eleanor Young (played by Michelle Yeoh). If they were to remake the movie in like 30 years’ time, I would strongly suggest Lucy Liu for the role of Eleanor because no one does a steely gaze better than Ms. Liu.

I think the people who complain most about this movie are those who are, sorry to say, poor. It’s a case of sour grapes; so sour that they can’t see the humour behind the glitz and glamour. I love every part of it even though I’m not filthy rich.

(eh sorry forgot I’m chinese I’m supposed to be rich by default sorry I forgot that I eat abalone slices instead of potato chips and my sparkling water sparkles because got real diamond dust that’s why my eyes shine bright like diamond)

Before this movie, no one was complaining that there aren’t any Indians or Malays or Eurasians in Hollywood; and now that someone has taken a chance, turned down a TV drama deal, said no to whitewashing; these crickets are chirping louder than ever before. It took 25 years to get a movie with an all-Asian cast to the big screens. I think we should all just put this in the win column and move on.



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